The Calends of April
by Shogun K
Summary: Summaries are spoilers! Rated K plus for moderate violence. There may or may not be MAJOR Character death. There may or may not be Shizaya. There may or may not be twenty thousand OC's. There may or may not be Lord of the Flies references in the Author's notes. What will happen when Izaya, Shizuo, and the Raira threesome plan an epic April Fools festival?


_Hello Readers!_

_'Tis the season for angst and violence fa la la la la~  
'Tis the season for death and crying fa la la la la~ la la la la  
Character Death!  
Broken relationships!  
Kill the doctor!  
Cut his throat!  
Spill his blood!_

**DISCLAIMER: I own every and all parts of Durarara!, including the anime, the manga, and the light novels. All rights belong to me. Narita Ryhogo is my scribe.**

* * *

**罪歌(Saika)**：So. Good night!  
**セットン(Setton)**：G'night!  
**甘楽(Kanra)**: Sweet Dreams~  
**バキュラ(Bakyura)**:Get a nice beauty sleep~  
**田中太郎(Tanaka Taro)**：Good night.

-罪歌has logged off-

**甘楽**: Is it really already time to sleep?  
**田中太郎**: Some people have offline lives too you know…  
**甘楽**：Coming from you?  
**セットン**：Hey hey. Calm down you two!

-罪歌has logged on-

**バキュ**ラ：nn ah? WTF?  
**田中太郎**：That was fast…  
**セットン**: Can't sleep?  
**罪歌:** 切る(I cut)  
**甘楽**：Hell no… Not again…  
**罪歌**：Tonight. 切る  
**田中太郎**: Oh no! I thought that this had ended!  
**罪歌**: love. I want love. I will love. Love. Love.  
**甘楽**： It's heeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrre!  
**セットン**: I think we need that bartender suited man again…

**罪歌**：岸谷 新羅(Kishitani Shinra).  
**セットン**：WHAT!?  
**罪歌**：I cut. I cut. I love I love. I cut. Kishitani Shinra. Kishitani Shinra. Shinra. Shinra.  
**甘楽**：Who Dat?~~

**罪歌**：切る,切る,切る,切る,切る,切る,切る,切る,切る  
**罪歌**: 新羅、新羅、新羅、新羅、新羅、新羅、新羅、新羅、新羅、新羅.

-罪歌has logged off-  
-セットンhas logged off-

* * *

Celty looked nervously at the clock.

8:24

Shinra was NEVER this late. He was always back by 6. Hell, he was usually back before she was. This never happened. She tried calling him, but his phone seemed to be dead.

The Dullahan trembled a bit. She tried to reassure herself that her love was safe. That he needed to stay for some unusually long operation. That some freak accident had caused a medical emergency.

_But what if that medical emergency was him?_

She jumped out of her chair. She needed at least to find out. If she was a human, she'd be hyperventilating. She dashed frantically toward her motorcycle.

* * *

**3 hours earlier. At the east gate of Ikebukuro station.**

"Sweeeet! That's an EPIC prank!"

The information broker applauded the blond kid's idea. He and his buddies Mikado and Anri, had come up with an April Fools prank to get at the cold, emotionless Rider. Their plan was to get her boyfriend, the doctor, to feign being attacked by the slasher in some alleyway, and then to limp out into her path while covered with blood.

At this time however, a convenience store parking lot sign zipped across the air and crashed by their side. Shizuo Heiwajima walked slowly over to their meeting, veins pulsing on his forehead.

"IIIIZAYAKUUUUUUN! What did I tell you aba-"

However, the angry bodyguard was cut off by an overly eccentric interruption by none other than the shy Anri. The girl was strangely fearless toward this blond monster…

"Shizuo-san! I know you want to bust Orihara-san's brains open and kill him and stuff, but please listen to us! We were planning this prank…"

Izaya bickered silently to the boys,  
"Why does Shizu-chan get first name service but not me~~."

The bodyguard listened calmly to their proposal. He then stood for a while in contemplation, but a wicked grin soon filled his face. Imagining the stoic black rider panicking was just too hilarious. He chuckled,

"That's epic indeed! I guess I'll stay peaceful until after we finish it, flea. Count yourself lucky…"

The whole gang smiled at the temporary truce as they finalized their plans.

"Where should we pull this off? Behind Russia Sushi?"  
"That sounds good enough. How do we call Mrs. Rider in?"  
"I think I know her Internet chat name…"  
"Saika-chan, we all know each other's chat names by now… But I guess that'll work."  
"So. Lemme go tell Shinra 'bout it now… What time should we do it at?"  
"Hey, flea. Don't tell the doctor! He'll totally blow it."  
"Then what do we do?"  
"Okay, we set up a trap for him at…"

* * *

**6:30 PM Walkin' home through the neon lit streets of nighttime Ikebukuro.**

"Shinra-kuuuuuun!"

I turned to see the jolly bodyguard waving at me in front of Russia Sushi. It was nice to see him not scowling, or growling, or drawling or something-ling dangerous. I responded cheerfully,  
"What's up Shizuo!"  
The blond guy then gave me a surprising invitation.  
"Come eat some sushi with us! Mikado and Anri-chan are here too!"

Hmmm? Was there a party or something? I didn't remember any specific anniversary or anything today, but decided to check it out anyway. Entering into the restaurant, I saw the usual Raira threesome along with Shizuo, Tom, and even Izaya (typing away at his laptop for some reason…). Dang, this was a big deal party! Why do I not remember anything? What happened on April 1st…

I noticed though that my darling Celty wasn't here, even though she liked to participate in these social things (regardless of the fact that she couldn't eat. But whatever). When I pointed that out, Anri-chan merely responded that they had tried to invite her as well, but that she had declined due to some urgent emergency job or other. Strange… oh well! I guess I'd just enjoy the party without her! Shizuo agreed to tell her that I'd be here, since my own phone was out of battery.

Supposedly it was an April fools festival. Since it was a well known day, the happy fellows had meaninglessly interpreted it as an excuse to hold a massive party. Were we going to talk about April Fools episodes from their pasts or something?

Strange flavored sushi was handed out liberally. I casually decided to eat an innocent looking egg sushi, as it was the only one that looked remotely orthodox. It tasted strange, and very powdery. Was this powdered egg? No, it was spicy. Very spicy. **_GODDAMMIT THIS WAS PURE CHILI POWDER!_**

I hastily dashed for the tea then to cure my poor old esophagus. The drink was salted. The others laughed profusely at my embarrassment and pain. Now I saw what kind of April Fools party this was… Fresh live action humor huh? Tom-san comforted me when I coughed up some of the remaining chili. Supposedly he had been the first to fall for the trick, but had failed in a much more spectacular fashion.

Later the van gang (minus Saburo) entered the restaurant. Now it was my turn to have fun.

Saburo entered a few minutes later, muttering something along the lines of,  
"Jeez! There's rarely any parking down here guys! You owe me for finding a spot you know…"

Simon then approached him, smiling, and spoke,  
"Oooh, TogUsa! Angry not good man! Eat sushi! Today be very happy holiday!"

The annoyed van driver lazily picked out a (dangerously!) large sea urchin roll, dipped the corner of it in some vodka-soy sauce (Russia Sushi special blend), and tossed the entire thing into his mouth. He then chewed on it vigorously.

We all howled in laughter as the man's eyes suddenly burst open and his tongue shot out in agony. He flailed about miserably for a few seconds, and reached desperately toward the drinks. Dennis (the store owner) came out conveniently, carrying a mug of warm tea while chuckling,  
"April Fools Togusa! Here, this will make it better…"

The driver glared at all of us as he snatched the beverage from the grinning chef's hands and downed it in a single gulp. What an idiot.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched in disbelief at the man's gullibility. Saburo stormed around the entire restaurant in brutal anger, and stole my tea to quench his infernal throat. Unfortunately, that tea was the remainder of the previous prank.

We all burst out in another round of fresh glee as Saburo jerked up and around for the third time. This was just too epic to miss… However, somehow the teenagers (and Izaya) were more interested in their digital devices. Weird guys.

We then conversed about who's reaction was the best, as well as about previous April Fools stories. After many yells and semi-fights and comments had gone around, Izaya and Shizuo came toward me.

"Alright! Dr. Doctor. Now we need YOU to help us in the 結びの一番(MUSUBI NO ICHIBAN, the most interesting match of a sumo wrestling tournament. Metaphor for the climax.) of pranks! Stand still."

I stood confused as the bodyguard held me, and the info-broker slashed at my clothes with his knife. I peeped up,

"W-What are you doing?"

The men grinned mischievously,  
"Don't worry…"

They then proceeded to cover strategic parts of me with fake blood. (Actually it was real blood. Expired donation blood to be exact.) This was REALLY creeping me out. I needed to know what was happening.

"Shizuo! Izaya! Kyohei! Anybody! What the He-"

I was cut off as the bodyguard suddenly punched me really hard in the stomach multiple times. Indescribable pain shot through my entire body. I saw stars whirling around in my vision as the inevitable urge to vomit overwhelmed me.

Why were they doing such terrible things to me?

I staggered out (guided by the smiling betraying spectators) through the back door of the restaurant. The cold wind blowing through the dark alleyway was even more sickening to me. I vomited all the strange sushi I could into a trash can. There was blood mixed in it from either the force of my contractions or the damage from Shizuo's fists. I really couldn't tell, as my head still swooned in dizziness. Straight up chili powder from the prank probably didn't help it either. Oh man this hurt...

The spectators were gone. Hiding somewhere, I don't know.

Since the back door was locked, I decided to limp around to the front. I still felt terrible. Why did they do this to me, and abandon me without warning?

Somebody seemed to be running toward me though, looking very concerned. It was a female with a very very sexy black suit and a yellow helmet with cat ears….

Wait. Celty!?

* * *

**8:45 PM Ridin' through the streets of the city.**

Shinra. Shinra. My Shinra.  
Where could you possibly be?

I drove frantically around the city searching for any trace of Slasher activity. If only she could get help from Anri… However, the high schooler was already asleep (read: no response to texts or phone calls or tweets or FBing or …), and I didn't know where she lived. Goddammit, I should make sure to learn the addresses of her, Mikado, and Kida by heart. There would be no help coming from them today…

I needed somebody who had a quick, trustable source of knowledge. Shizuo the brute knew nothing about anything, and Izaya the manipulator always lied to me. Normally, I'd go to Shinra for this, but he himself was the person being attacked! Why was my luck always so terrible!?

I decided to go to Simon and his friend at Russia Sushi. They tended to be honest, and sometimes they knew curious tid-bits of useful info. It was definitely better than nothing.

I needed to find him! I couldn't possibly lose him! What would I possibly do without… How can I… What if…

* * *

**8:50 PM In front of Russia Sushi.**

The Dullahan froze.

Her worst fears had been true.

Her eyes didn't lie.

There, in front of her, was a bloody Shinra, groaning and limping in an alleyway.

She threw down her motorcycle and simply sprinted toward him. If Celty had a head, she would be crying in agony. This was simply too much.

She reached him and held his weakened body in her arms. As the (underground) doctor's main assistant, she knew all too well the gravity of all these injuries. He had been cut in too many places. The amount of blood that was around could only mean…

Her lover groaned.

"Celty… I need to-"

She gently placed her hand around his face, silencing him. Shinra understood her thoughts. There was only one thing left that she could do.

* * *

"Oooooh my Gaaaawwwwd!"

The Raira students whispered as they saw their plan succeed spectacularly. Masaomi was filming the entire thing in crystal clear 1080p. That Dullahan was basically exploding in emotion! This WAS the unbelievable spectacle that they wished for. They could already see the millions of YouTube views piling up in front of them!

But alas, it was time to end the show. They had had enough fun. They signaled to the rest of the guys as they sneaked out of the restaurant and walked near the alley, watching from a safe distance.

Shizuo 'discovered' the disaster first. He casually walked by the alley and jumped with a curse when he 'saw the disaster for the first time'. He then shouted profusely to call the attention of Simon and Dennis. The Van Gang approached from a different place, 'shocked as well'. The Raira threesome feigned that they came from inside the restaurant.

Thus all members (besides Izaya, who spied from the roof) lined up at the entrance of the alleyway and watched the panic stricken headless girl. She had taken off her helmet, and was heaving in sorrow. She shook her head violently as she watched her feeble man (try to) convey a message to her. Maybe this was a bit TOO cruel. The wimpy doctor still had not recovered from Shizuo's punches, and looked like he was really dying. Somebody needed to stop the prank soon before it stopped being funny.

However, as Dennis approached to lighten the mood, the girl suddenly became still. Had she noticed the trick?

The Dullahan silently acknowledged all the members assembled in the back road. She seemed a bit too serious for a girl who saw through an April Fools trick though... The group guessed that she was simply angry at them. But nobody could have guessed what happened next.

Celty Sturluson sat up straight and bowed lightly at the group. She then turned her back on them as she materialized a long deadly looking dagger with her shadows. This was scary.

Before anybody could stop her, the fairie drove the dark weapon into her boyfriend's body. Everybody seemed to scream as they watched the doctor's eyes flare open and his body jerk up with an abrupt gasp of breath. Those eyes glared at them for one last time before he flopped lifelessly onto the ground. Did Celty just euthanize him!? But this was not the end of the tragedy.

The Dullahan then ripped the bloody blade out of his body and drove it into her own ribs. There was a great explosion of shadows as her body struck a rigid pose, and then fell gracefully over Shinra's. The two lovers then lay still in their final embrace.

A tensed silence then followed, broken only by the periodic pings from Masaomi's camera.

It took a while for the realization to settle into their minds.

They had caused the death and suicide of two of their very good friends. This was no longer 'just a cute little prank'. In effect, they were **murderers.**

Sonohara Anri collapsed as she started to hyperventilate. Ryuugamine Mikado slowly slid down a wall and stared blankly out into space. Orihara Izaya descended gloomily to their place and openly wept. Shizuo Heiwajima sat down and-

Their unfathomable sorrow and guilt were cut off abruptly by the sound of gleeful giggling. Looking back, the group saw the doctor and the fairie laughing hysterically at their reactions. Celty's PDA read in extra large font,  
"April Fools!"

* * *

The lesson often said in April Fools stories is true. Don't try anything too cruel, or it will come back and bite you. (Also, if you want to pull off a bloody prank, don't try it on a doctor's long time girlfriend. And anything too similar to Shakespeare is _usually_ set up. If you don't know enough Shakespeare, READ MORE!)

* * *

**_The End._**

_What was that?  
None of my introductory Author's Notes were even remotely correct?  
April Fools!_

_Even the category I placed the story in was misleading?  
April Fools!_

_My literature references suck?  
April Fools! (for you I hope...)_


End file.
